It took me several years into adulthood to recognize I have been living in a state of survival mode as a result of complex trauma for a majority of my lived experience. At the time I started this blog in 2018, I was living in San Diego, miles away from friends and family, I was stuck in a very unhealthy marriage with a young daughter and was struggling with depression, anxiety and stress as a result of these things.
I hit a low and started seeking support through holistic therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy, reiki, acupuncture, yoga and fitness. I recognized I could not continue on in the mental and physical space I was in and started making drastic changes in my relationships by beginning to set boundaries, first and foremost in my marriage and in my career.
Find my Personal Holistic Practice - Reiki I
I was seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist and had started working with a reiki practitioner to begin processing my emotions and regulating my stress. When I started doing reiki sessions, I had no real idea what it was. I would go to my appointments on my lunch break from my high stress corporate management career position and would fall asleep on the reiki table every time. I was over stressed, overworked and completely exhausted from burning at all ends. What I did recognize, over time I was able to better recognize and process when boundaries were needed and I started getting more vocal in setting them.
Starting to realize how every area of my life was lacking boundaries, from family and friends, at work and with my family at home, I worked to start re-establishing the boundaries I so desperately needed to start to regain regulation of my nervous system through self-care. Combined with the support and encouragement of my therapist and my reiki teacher, I decided to tell my husband I wanted a divorce.
Asking for a divorce came with so many logistical challenges. Originally being from Michigan and living in San Diego, I knew major changes would need to happen to ensure my daughter received the support we needed through our divorce. Although I was asking for a divorce, I was still (over extending and not protecting my boundaries) worried about how my soon to be ex-husband would navigate our separation and continue to be able to show up as a dad for our then 6-year-old.
I had a great job, but things were already difficult enough balancing my career, education and being a mom with little to no support for me and my daughter. I knew coming back to Michigan would be the best way we could all receive the support we needed to navigate our separation and eventual divorce. I started on the search for jobs in Michigan.
Having career connections in Michigan, I started making calls, landed an interview and eventually a job offer that was a pretty hefty pay cut and a step backwards in my career. I really loved my job. It was the sole reason for our relocation to California to begin with. With hope in my heart and a well-thought out business plan, I was able to convince my employer to let me keep my job, and relocate to Michigan to work through my family changes.
Shadow Work & Healing The Subtle Body - Reiki II
After we relocated, I did everything I could to make sure my ex-husband had the support he needed, even though I was drowning and avoiding everything by forming new unhealthy relationships. Us moving back meant a lot of changes. My daughter and I moved back in with my parents, with whom I have always had a very rocky relationship with. And I arranged our finances so that my ex-husband could get into a rental home and have what he needed to start off on his feet back in our home town. Here I was, sacrificing my own sanity again, even as I left!
I have always had some versions of disorganized attachment showing up in my relationships and continued to over extend myself in relationships with walking red flags and continued to peruse unhealth relationships even after walking away from my marriage. It wasn't until I had hit rock bottom as a result of my toxic attachment habits in relationships, and my drinking that I finally started making a real change. I had no car, I was barely hanging on in my career, I was drinking to excess multiple nights a week and engaging in really unhealthy behaviors in my relationships. I felt like I was living in a constant haze of pain and suffering and wasn't really sure how I was going to make it out.
Having navigated my entire divorce on my own, and being awarded full custody of my daughter to ensure her safety, I knew it was time for me to get it together. In the height of my holistic practice prior to this hell I was living in at the time, I had a vision for my life and hers and in the trauma of it all, I had lost sight of that vision. I committed to setting healthy boundaries and never letting myself get back in that situation again. I cut the toxic relationships out of my life and started refocusing on my passions again. I joined a women's group and started doing group therapy for women recovering from CPTSD and domestic violence. I was re-determined to build the life I had originally set out for myself and my daughter when I had left in 2019. It was 2022.
Recovering & Finding Authenticity - Reiki Master
Early that year, I had completed my Usui Holy Fire Reiki I/II Practitioner training and placements in Clarkston, MI which really opened me back up to my true authentic nature and helped clear out some of the trauma I had experienced so I could start re-building capacity in my nervous system, specifically in my heart. Right after this, I fell back in to old habits and tried to help my ex-husband recover from drugs and alcohol. With no romantic intentions, I provided him with a place to stay for almost 9 months. During this time, my daughter experienced the traumas of dealing with a family member in full blown drug addiction. From the horrific medical experiences to him stealing from us and using in the home, I again was feeling hopeless. It took me having a complete mental breakdown to bring that situation to an end. I again had found myself completely engulfed in someone else's problems and had almost completely lost sight of what brought me happiness and purpose. I felt completely trapped and needed to make a change.
My daughter and I moved to a new home and I completed my Usui Holy Fire Reiki Master training early 2023. I led my first Reiki practitioner training in Spring 2023 with two women, friends of mine at the time. In completing this training session, I discovered my passion for teaching and rediscovered the purpose and intention behind the work I had originally started in 2018. I had this affirmative moment that: my work was in purpose to help women establish boundaries and take control of their health and wellness through self-care and holistic integration.
Holistic Yoga and Reiki - Movement & Breath
In 2023, I continued my holistic education by completing 200 hours of yoga instruction and training and started teaching yoga and reiki classes in studio and online in 2024. This new and different approach to teaching and holistic practice opened me up to a new level of healing and understanding of energy and how to process our trauma in the body. Reiki was an incredible foundation for me to understanding stress and energy and how these things impact our overall health. Reiki provides you with the stillness and connection to better process and understand emotion, energy and the cellular memory of trauma, but adding in movement, balance, strength and the breath brought in a whole new layer of understanding.
As a result of my studies and practice up until this point, my approach to holistic yoga and reiki has become a prescriptive theory to teach clients identify their shadow work through the subtle body, or the chakra system to identify where your current blockages may be, based on your past experiences and emotions you have carried forward as a result of those experiences.
To heal physical or emotional manifestations of the subtle body, we must first bring attention to the pain or ailment and allow it to come to the surface and be released. This where reiki can be especially helpful. Then, we incorporate movement to assist in releasing the energy being blocked or in overuse to help bring balance and harmony within the body, mind and spirit.
Amidst all of my emotional struggles, I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune skin condition in 2020, where my skin produces an excess of collagen creating scar tissue in a generalized form in many areas of my body. This form of scleroderma, called morphea is progressive in nature and can impact underlying joints and tissues. I lovingly often call this my "armor" as the scars develop to help remind me to love the skin I am in and honor the immense amount of work and growth I have done to build up healthy boundaries around me. Sometimes this can manifest as poor conflict resolution skills and a tendency to isolate, which are new fun things I am working through. But, I am forever grateful for where I am and how far I have come and blessed to have the opportunity to teach these supportive and enhancing therapies and practices to others who may need them, wherever they are in their journey. We are all just here having this human experience, and to show up in our authentic vulnerability is difficult. But if we can identify new ways of healing and providing ourselves with the care we need autonomously, we can focus on the things that are most important to us and our own wellbeing vs. being concerned with others or not prioritizing ourselves so we can pour from a cup that is full.
If you are interested in training with me, I offer yoga every Sunday online. I also offer one on one reiki training and sessions, both online and in person and have an upcoming online course called The Subtle Body that I will be launching in the spring.
Finally, if you are in a place of feeling stuck, or in a constant loop of unhealthy habits and hang ups, just know that you can make a different choice today in how you care for yourself that can set the path to being and understanding exactly where you are supposed to be. By taking the time and investment into yourself, you will start to open yourself up to expansion and authenticity by regulating your nervous system and giving your mind the opportunity to rest. It is in the smallest of things every day, that we can do to improve our self care and create environments where our bodies (emotional, physical and spiritual) feel safe enough to expand.
Comments